By guest writer Elijah Leshnick
Who is that tall glass of water strutting around with Louis Vuitton man purses and this season’s pretty young thing? Oh! It’s Jacob Elordi! He’s everywhere nowadays. Now, for those who don't know, Jacob is a heart-throb. His bushy eyebrows, 6'5 stature, and passionate brown eyes are just some of his traits that have entranced the vast majority of Gen Z to fantasize about being with him. As a single, bored, gay 20-year-old, I am no exception – I want to be with him too (duh).
But I also want to be him (blerg) because who wouldn't? What makes me scroll endlessly down his Instagram, and what had me entranced throughout all of Saltburn and Euphoria was, of course, his physique. His mountainous shoulders, steel-cut abs, and gladiator legs are straight from a Renaissance statue. If I were built that way, I would catapult from a twink to twunk status in a heartbeat (not that there's anything wrong with twinks; they're a vibe). So, naturally, I decided that I needed to become a half-Asian Jacob Elordi twunk - and fast.
I figured, what better way to Elordify myself than to do Jacob's Saltburn workout? Upon doing some research, I stumbled upon the article, "The Jacob Elordi Workout For His Aesthetic Body in Saltburn and Euphoria," and began to realize that this was some intense shit.
Check it out:
WORKOUT A (MONDAY)
Incline Dumbbell Bench: 3 sets x 6-8, 8-10, 8-10 reps (reverse pyramid training)
Chest Supported DB Row: 4 sets x 8-10 reps (normal pyramid training)
Incline DB Curls: 3 sets x 6-8, 8-10, 10-12 reps (reverse pyramid training)
Rope Extensions: 3 sets x 6-8, 8-10, 10-12 reps (reverse pyramid training)
Cable Rear Delts: 1 set x 12-15 reps + 3 mini-sets x 4-6 reps (rest-pause training)
WORKOUT B (WEDNESDAY)
Bulgarian Split Squats: 3 sets x 6-8 reps (straight sets)
DB Romanian Deadlifts: 3 sets x 10-12 reps (straight sets)
Leg Extensions: 3 sets x 10-12 reps (straight sets)
Weighted Knee/Leg Raises: 3 sets x 8-15 reps (straight sets)
Neck Curls: 3 sets x 15-20 reps (normal pyramid training)
WORKOUT C (FRIDAY)
Seated DB Shoulder Press: 3 sets x 6-8, 8-10 reps (reverse pyramid training)⠀⠀
Wide Grip Pull-ups: 3 sets x 10 reps (add weight if you can complete 10+ reps)
Incline Cable Fly: 3 sets x 8-12 reps (straight sets)
Hammer Curls: 3 sets x 6-8, 8-10, 10-12 reps (reverse pyramid training)
Lateral Raises: 1 set x 12-15 reps + 3 mini-sets x 4-6 reps (rest-pause training)
Planks: 3 sets (one minute each)
Truthfully, as somebody who has not picked up a dumbbell (lol what’s that? It sounds like a type of weight?) in probably four years, I was a little nervous. I wanted to avoid being perceived while in my process of Elordification. So, after all the football players vacated the weight room to go to dinner, I swooped into Wesleyan’s Freeman Athletic Center.
Knowing that I had a long way to go before I could even imagine what my Elordified body would look like, I decided to only focus on one of the regiment's three days. I chose Friday's workout because "Hammer Curls" sounded cuter than "Bulgarian Split Squats" or "DB Romanian Deadlifts."
With my backward Bass Pro Shops hat perched on my head, I strutted to the lifting section and grabbed two 15-pound weights. As I individually raised each one up and down, I started getting the hang of it. It wasn't so bad. Maybe it was the Celsius I chugged right before or the retro Nike basketball shorts I dug out from the bottom of my dresser that was boosting my confidence. Whatever was propelling me through these hammer curls was working, and I could feel my Nate Jacobs abs cultivating beneath my Urban Outfitters muscle tee. I was on the way to Elordifying my life.
After putting the weights down, I ran to the mat to hit some planks. I assumed planks were the easiest; all you have to do is not move. However, when I got in position, I felt the lash of a venomous burn throughout my torso. It was as though my abs were being branded with a hot iron rod. Time started moving differently. I swore I was in that position for almost a minute and looked down to see that only 13 seconds had passed. After 26 more seconds passed, I had to end this suffering. I dropped to the floor and flattened my arms and legs, allowing my abdomen to press into the cold black mat.
I was not defeated, though. I felt this crazy sense of euphoria (wink) rushing through my body, and I could not stop smiling. I really did that! My body really did that. When describing his approach to working out, Elordi explained that he is constantly chasing the "mentality of what it is to be in the gym and look at yourself in the mirror and be like, 'Faaaack, I look good.'" After one rep of hammer curls and 39 seconds of planking, I felt him on that. I did not need trunk-like biceps or razor-sharp abs. I skipped the grueling part and achieved what Jacob Elordi has strived for for years: feeling happy in my body.
@elijahleshnick
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